Broken
by The Mentalist Rules
Summary: The Mentalist gang are in High School, everything is great but one of them is raped and then their life falls apart... WARNING: RAPE
1. Chapter 1: The Rape

**A/N: **This was actually inspired by Red Highschool by Steph-Schell, Red Childhood by Koezh and Red Ivy High by rigspeltforeverxx. It's nothing really to do with them but it just made me think of them as kids, check 'em out when your done reading this they're quite good and not as depressing. Yeah this story is morbid, dark, etc. M for a reason as there is rape, you have been warned! By the way BIG thank you to my little brother Nick for letting me use his account to publish this, and its not finished this is just chapter 1, I'm gonna try update one chapter a week. Thanks to anyone for reading this and yeah review if you feel like or not.

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I stood up and stretch, yawning loudly as I did so. I glance at the large ticking clock on the opposing wall, 10 past 12?! I hope Mr Drex appreciates the fact I spent half the night at a library writing up a stupid essay for him. I sighed as I packed up my books and left the library giving the librarian a slight wave, she waved back as I exited the old building.

It was a moderate night, the breeze gentle but not too cold. The coat of blackness cloaked the sky with the help of some clouds blocking out the stars and moon. I wandered through the dark streets to the high school I was currently attending, I wouldn't be attending any high school at all if that social worker hadn't pointedly informed my father it was against the law for me to not go to school until I was 16, which was not for another year.

I didn't mind too much, apart from my obvious distaste for writing essays and doing homework I did get to spend more time with my girlfriend Teresa and my best friends Kimball, Wayne and Grace. I also had a school radio station, pretty cool huh? My Dad approves of that, helps me practise all that psychic stuff I'd need when we rejoined my uncle's carnival. Not that I need the practise, I clearly excel at it already.

I arrived at the school and picked the lock to gain access to the deserted building. I know its against the law but if they didn't want to be broken into they should have a better security system, or at least better locks.

I found my way through the familiar darkness to the correct classroom and hurriedly located the pile of the other students essays, I shove mine into the pile and smirk as I planned my speech for the next day. Drex'd look like a total idiot when he saw my essay already there, served him right for threatening me with a detention.

Shaking my head in amusement at the soon-to-be conversation I made my way to my locker and threw my bag in there, that way I wouldn't have to lug it all the way to school tomorrow. Dad was too lazy to drop me off and I wasn't old enough to drive yet so I had to walk the whole way.

I resumed my way to the exit and locked the door as I left, humming to myself as I jogged down the steps. I stopped in my tracks when I heard rustling in the shrubbery, curiously yet cautiously I moved slightly towards the sound and smile to myself when I see John stepping out of the bushes.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite loser," I mocked smirking at him, "more ammo for my radio show, I suppose. `John the retarded jock sleeping in the bushes.`"

"You think you're so smart don't you?" he snarled.

"I don't think, I know," I corrected him and his dark eyes narrow further.

He is older than me, a senior while I a mere freshman. He's tall and well built with dark hair and eyes like his younger sister who is in my year. He is a jock on the football team, the star quarterback even, but of course I had taken an instant dislike to both him and his sister. She is a stuck up bitch who is infatuated with me, her and John are both most likely sociopaths at the very least so I had not hesitated to mock him on my show the second he screwed up on the pitch.

"You are not smart or clever, you're just a childish fraud that screws everyone with that fake psychic gig you and your carny Daddy have got going," John snapped in reply.

"At least my Dad's not locked up in a mental asylum," I jeered continuing to smirk, John glared as he walked past me in the direction of the street. I laughed at him walking away from me before yelling after him, "yeah walk away! Your family is so screwed Johhnny boy! Your Mommy killed your baby brother, your Daddy's a loon and your sister's a slut!"

John stopped in his tracks and turned back to face me with those shadows he now had for eyes, I should have been worried but my stubborn arrogance wouldn't let me as John strode back towards me, I was still laughing as I stepped further away from him.

"You should have kept your mouth shut," John growled before lunging at me.

I hadn't been expecting that and he moved so quickly I couldn't run, he tackled me and I would have been knocked to the ground had the wall of the school not been behind me, instead I was slammed painfully into it and pinned me against it. He gripped my wrists tightly as he held me against the wall.

I looked into the seething anger in his eyes, beyond hatred just caverns of eternal loathing as he gazed at me expressionless. I started to struggle but I was quite lanky and skinny, I wasn't even that tall. My efforts were pitifully thwarted by John.

"Just let me go you jerk!" I spat at him as I felt my anger rising.

John just smiled cruelly at me, I was expecting him to hit me. I was expecting him to clench his fist and strike me with it as my father had so often done in the past. But he didn't instead he kissed me. I was so shocked at the unwanted kiss as he snaked his slimy tounge into my mouth. I tried to pull away but only suceeded in banging my head. John pulled out of the kiss but didn't release me.

"What the hell?!" I managed to choke the words from my stunned body.

"You are very pretty, your face perfect framed by golden locks. I can see why Nance likes you, I like you. I like even more when you are fighting aimlessly, you really don't stand a chance against me do you," John explained in a voice that made me shiver, "I'm gonna make you pay for your insults and lies."

I was becoming seriously worried now as I tried again to get away, John lossened his grip slightly and I swiftly attempted to dart away but somehow managed to trip up and fall against the corner of the stone building. John was fast too and grabbed my wrists again shoving me against the other wall where I could not even see the street lights but they immluminated John's twisted smile perfectly highlighting his crooked teeth.

"Let me go!" I demanded trying to hide me terror.

John ignored me however as he spun me around and pushed my face into the stone. I would have worried more about the fact it made my ears ring had not John yanked down my pants. My breath caught in my throat as my fear engulfed me, I listened to the rapidly unsteady beat of my caged heart as I heard a zipper being pulled down.

"John please don't," I begged but he either didn't hear me or he didn't care.

A second later I felt him thrusting himself inside me, I gasped at the unwanted violation then I screamed. I screamed `no` at the top of lungs as I fought to get away from him but he brushed away my frantic efforts as if they were nothing. I cried and yelled and pleaded with him to stop as I struggled against him but to no avail. I stopped struggling, he just seemed to enjoy it more anyway, I thought as I numbly squeezed my eyes shut and waited for it to be over.

Finally it was, I heard John pulling up his fly before he pulled my pants back up and flipped me back around to face him. I didn't want to face him so I turned my head and kept my eyes closed tightly even as tears continued to seep from the cracks.

"Look at me," John said calmy, I didn't, "look at l me!" he repeated more forcefully. I still didn't so he slapped me, I whimpered miserably as he turned my head to face him, "open your eyes or I'll rape you again," he hissed.

I reluctantly forced my eyes open to look into the dark shadows of his, he was smiling as he caressed my cheek. I was too numb to fight him as he kissed me again. He pulled away still smiling but kept me against the wall still.

"Was I your first?" John half asked, half demanded. I nodded slightly and his smile widened, "it was your fault, you made me and then you let me. You let me touch you, you let me."

John laughed. His laugh was cold as it sent a frosty chill into the air. Suddenly he pushed and I fell onto the ground.

"You are broken," he told me, "you are filthy, vile, tainted. No one wants you now, you are nothing."

Then he walked away. I wrapped my arms around myself as I started to sob, the tears streamed from eyes creating rivers on my cheeks as I rocked myself backwards and forwards in an attempt to make myself feel better. It didn't work.

I don't know how long I stayed there but the cogs in my mind began to turn again, albeit slowly. I needed to get home. I trudged threw the streets on autopilot, my feet recovering faster than I was. My mind was still reeling as I took the key out of my pocket and unlocked the door to the house I shared with my Dad.

He was snoring on the couch with the TV still blaring away. I ignored him as I made my way upstairs and into the bathroom, I slammed the door shut before locking it. I didn't bother turning on the light, I didn't want to look at myself anyway, instead I turned on the shower and stripped climbing into the rushing water.

I had to clean myself, I had to. I made the water go as hot as it could without scalding me, it was still hotter than I'd normally have it but I didn't care, I felt so dirty. I scrubbed my skin raw as I let the water pour down on me. It didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel worse as tears ran down my cheeks mingling with the shower water.

This wasn't supposed to happen! My mind screamed at me, how could this happen? I already knew the answer, it kept replaying over and over in my mind. I almost regretted leaving the light off, but I didn't want to see myself, or the bruises. I sat down and curled myself into a ball listening to the water falling on me as I cried some more.

Why? Was it because I'd mocked him? Because of all the people I'd mislead over my life? Some people my Dad had made me trick didn't deserve it,I hated when that happened but I'd still done it. I thought of all my pesonality traits, I was arrogant, immature, egotistical, selfish... I was awful! No wonder John had hurt me. No wonder my Dad hit me. No wonder it had taken me years to gain my friends trust. No wonder it had taken me years to get Teresa to go out with me.

Teresa... I was supposed to lose my virginity to her, when we were a bit older and when we were ready. Not by rape. My mind flinched at the word. Rape. Yes I had been raped. I should have struggled, I should have fought harder but no. I had just let him. I had just let him rape me.

John was right, I was broken. I was vile. I was filthy. I was tainted. I was now tainted forever. I cried harder as despair seeped into my mind. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, I wasn't even sure what was the shower water and what was my tears anymore. It hurt so much. I hurt so much.

What was I going to do anyway? I couldn't tell anyone. No one believe me, I was a fifteen year old boy for crying out loud! And even if they did, how would they feel? My parents would outright disown me for being so disgusting. My friends would just laugh at my inability to fight off John and Teresa... how could she possibly love me after... that? And even then, how could I possibly tell anyone anyway?

I didn't want to. I just wanted to forget it had even happened, I wanted everything to go back to how it had been earlier today. I'd been happy, laughing, carefree, innocent. Now I was a miserable wreck curled into a ball crying my heart out. I hated myself. I hated everything about myself. Forget turning back time, I wanted to die.

"Quit showering and go to bed! I need to take a whizz already!" I heard Dad yell.

It forced me into action, I couldn't let him know anything was wrong. I was too ashamed. I turned off the shower and wrapped a towel hurridly around myself before scooping up my clothes and running into my bedroom. I threw down the clothes and changed into my PJs before crawling shakily into bed.

If I was hoping for a dreamless sleep, then I was wrong. I didn't sleep at all. I lay awake all night as mind continued to replay the attack over and over again. Over and over John raped me. Over and over I let him. Silent tears flowed down my cheeks until they dried up. Then I just let my worthless body lay there, pondering my hopeless situation.


	2. Chapter 2: I'm Fine

_**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE MENTALIST**_

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I was aware of the sun rising through the gray drapes but I didn't bother to get up. I didn't want to go back to where I'd been raped, I didn't want to risk seeing John again, hell I didn't even want to see my friends or Teresa. I didn't think I'd manage that, let alone concentrating throughout the day's classes. I'd just tell my Dad I was sick and hope he'd buy it, in a way it was the truth.

After awhile I heard him getting up, I heard the shower running, I smelt the sizzling bacon. I wasn't hungry. I just waited for him to notice I wasn't there. He did eventually, my name was bellowed through the house. I still didn't get up. Time ticked by before I heard him stamping up the stairs, gentleness is not his forte.

"You gonna get outta bed or what?" he demanded angrily as the door swung open.

"I'm not feeling well," I murmered into my pillow.

"So? Come on move it!"

"Dad please," I begged.

"NO! Move it," he snapped before stamping back down the stairs.

I groaned miserably as I dragged myself out of bed and found some clothes to wear making a mental note to dispose of the ones from last night, there was no way I'd ever wear them again. But for now I wondered into the bathroom and had another shower, it make me feel any better to be honest. I wondered if anything could, I was just too ashamed to feel much else unless.

I finished showering, got dressed and trudged slowly down the stairs to where my Dad was eating his breakfast at the kitchen table.

"I'd offer you some Pat but then you'd be late," he mumbled through a mouthful of bacon and bread.

"It's okay," I muttered, "I'm not hungry."

"Bye-bye then," Dad said waving me towards the door.

I sighed as I exited the kitchen and went towards the front door, my eye was caught by the mirror hanging on the wall reflecting back myself. I was shocked. There was a handsome boy staring back at me with blond curls and calm eyes. How could I look so calm when inside I was broken?

Shaking my head I went outside and reluctantly headed off to school. Briefly I considered skipping school but then not only would my Dad kill be but he'd know something was wrong. Everyone would and that was the last thing I wanted. As I meandered my way through the familiar streets I pondered what to do if I ran into John, the thought made me shiver despite the sunshine.

I arrived at the school and immedately scanned the crowd, I usually did anyway but this time I paid cloes attention to where they all were. I didn't see John. I allowed myself a slight breath of relief as I continued my observation. Everything seemed so normal, save for the three students moving around in the same bushes John had hid in. I wondered why as my eyes rested on the corner of the building where it had happened. Some juniors were hanging around there completely oblvious.

I jumped when someone put a hand on my shoulder, was it John? I thought panicked as I spun around to see my friend Kimball standing there.

"Kimball! Don't do that you scared the hell out of me," I exclaimed trying to still my frantic heartbeat.

"Sorry," he shrugged deadpan, "you were just staring weirdly at those juniors. You seem skittish today."

"I'm fine," I replied quickly, "what's with the kids in the bushes?" I added to change the subject.

"Oh that, some idiots took Mr Trent's wedding ring and threw it in there but he's offered $20 to whoever finds it so obviously some people are looking for it," Kimball answered, "you get Drex's essay done?"

"Err... yeah," I muttered trying to focus my thoughts.

"You break into the school to drop it off again?"

"What makes you think I'd do that?" I protested half heartedly.

"Because you always do," Kimball said pointedly, "you shouldn't though."

"What are we talking about?" asked Wayne as he joined us.

"Breaking and entering," offered Kimball, "you could go to juvie. Believe me it sucks."

"Whatever," I mumbled not really listening.

"Think I should look for Trent's ring?" wondered Wayne, "think it'd impress Grace?" he added. Grace Van Pelt was the new girl and Wayne was practically in love with her but he was too shy to say anything.

"Why don't you just ask her out already?" Teresa questioned as she arrived at the school, looking as beautiful as ever despite the fact she was just wearing jeans and a sweater. It was bittersweet seeing her though, I didn't want to be dealing with people today.

"You know why," he answered blushing scarlet.

Teresa laughed slightly as she moved over to us and planted a kiss on my lips, usually I'd be pleased but it just made me think of John. I still forced myself to smile as she pulled away beaming at me.

"I love you," she whispered hugging me.

"I love you too," I whispered back trying to shake of the feeling of melancholy shrouding me.

"I wish I had a girlfriend," complained Kimball before the bell rang, "time for class. Oh great math."

"What kind of Chinese kid hates math?" asked Wayne.

"I'm Korean!" protested Kimball.

"Oops, sorry," murmered Wayne going an even deeper shade of red.

"Let's just get to class," said Teresa and I was led inside, "I'll see you at lunch, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed stopping by my locker and opening it.

"See you at lunch," called Kimball and Wayne continuing up the corridor.

"Are you alright Patrick?" she asked suddenly, "you don't seem like yourself."

"I'm fine," I told her firmly.

"Is it your Mom? Did she change her mind about letting you stay with her for spring break?"

"No."

"Something else to do with your Mom?"

"No."

"Is it to do with your Dad?"

"No."

"Is it to do with the carnival?"

"No."

"Is it to do with school?"

"No! Teresa what is this 20 questions? I am fine," I snapped opening my locker and grabbing my bag.

"Fine," she muttered looking hurt.

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired," I apologized hoping she'd buy it.

"It's okay Patrick," she said smiling slightly, "as long as you're okay, see you at lunch," she added moving away to her class.

I let out a sigh as I closed my locker feeling tired. Trust Teresa to notice I was not acting myself, I thought walking to my first class of the day, I just didn't feel like myself and I couldn't be bothered to pretend. I really didn't want to be here. I arrived in class, history how fun. I tried to focus, I really did but I just couldn't. My concentration didn't improve throughout the rest of the day either, in fact it got worse when I noticed John's sister Nance in one of the classes.

"Patrick, I need to talk to you for a minute," announced Mr Drex as I tried to leave for lunch. I sighed as I went over to him, I didn't want to talk to him or eat anything, or do anything really.

"My essay is in the pile," I explained.

"I know, I noticed it earlier. Curious, huh?" Mr Drex said looking questioningly at me with his moustachioed face, I just shrugged, "its actually about the school radio show, the new Coach Van Pelt wants you to apologize for mocking John," he continued and I tried not to tense at the mention of his name, "I know you don't like him but its really unappropriate."

"What if I don't apologize?" I asked quietly.

"Then we'll have to find someone else to do the radio show," he informed me bluntly.

"Fine," I shrugged, yesterday I would've cared but I didn't feel like doing the radio show anymore anyway and apologize to the bastard after what he did to me?! I forced myself to calm down.

"Is it really that hard to say one simple apology?" Mr Drex responded looking puzzled.

"I'm not going to apologize to him and besides I don't even want to do a radio show anyway," I answered firmly.

"Can't you at least think about this Patrick?" Mr Drex questioned looking even more confused.

"I've made up my mind."

"Okay then. Sorry to hear that," he muttered looking sincere.

"Can I go to lunch now?" I inquired half-hartedly.

"What? Yeah sure," he answered and I turned to leave, "are you okay? You don't seem your usual self."

"I'm fine," I snapped exiting the classroom and making my way to the cafeteria, silently cursing human kindness.

I stood in the entrance and scanned the room for threats. I thought my heart actually stopped when I saw John, there he was sitting at a random table with some other jocks laughing as if nothing was wrong. He caught my eye and smiled coldly at me as I scuttled to where my friends were sitting, thankfully it was not near John.

"You're late," stated Kimball as I slumped onto a bench beside Teresa.

"So?" I spoke trying not to sound as irked as I felt.

"Drex didn't catch you did he?" Teresa inquired and looked relieved when I shook my head. They continued their food chatting midly as I watched John, at least as long as he was with his friends he couldn't rape me again.

"Hello? Earth to Patrick, wake up," Wayne was saying.

"What?" I snapped.

"Aren't you gonna get some food?" he asked.

"I'm not hungry."

"Fine, starve," shrugged Wayne as his attention was taken by the arrival of Grace Van Pelt walking nervously into the room, she hadn't really made any friends yet.

I turned my attentions back to surveying the room, everything seemed so normal. I struggled to cope with how normal everything was, I know it sounds stupid but seriously. I felt like the world should just stop, or at least myself. I noticed Grace holding a tray of food and looking for somewhere to sit, not many people were eager to be friends with the Coach's daughter.

"Think we should ask her to sit with us?" questioned Kimball glancing at me, I recalled yesterday I'd said I would ask her to sit with us if no one else did. The last thing I wanted now was another people so I shrugged.

"Are you sure you're okay?" inquired Wayne, "usually you'd be driving us mad by now."

"I am fine, okay?" I answered sharply, why did I have to have such caring friends? Two more classes and I could just go home, lock myself in my room and just be left alone.

Grace sat down at a table by herself, Wayne spent the rest of lunch gazing dreamily at her while Teresa attempted to pry conversation out of us but to no avail. The bell finally went for the next class, I had chemistry with Teresa. I hurried out of the cafeteria as fast as I could incase I ran into John, literally the canteen was very crowded.

"Chemistry how fun," muttered Teresa sarcastically as we head in the direction of the science labs, "are you being sarcastic? Yes Patrick I am, I hate chemistry. Really Teresa? At least we have it together. Oh you are so right Patrick, you know exactly what to say to cheer me up. I thought I was annoying? That too. Thanks a bunch! Come on Patrick, you know I love you really. Of course I'm psychic remember? Yeah right."

"What are you doing?" I intervened her weird speech.

"Talking to you, what does it look like? But since you're ignoring me I'm filling in your part of the conversation," she explained as we reached the labs and took our seats.

"I'm not ignoring you, I'm just tired I told you."

"I may not be psychic like you but I know that something's bothering you," she continued looking concerned, "whatever's bothering you, you can tell me," she pressed and held my hands gently as she looked at me pleadingly.

For a second I considered it, she was looking at me so worridly and loving she genuninely cared but I hardened what was left of me and crushed by shame. How could I tell her? I couldn't, I couldn't let her know.

"I'm fine," I repeated.

As she turned away looking hurt that I wouldn't confide in her, I wondered who I was trying to convince.


	3. Chapter 3: Love and Hate

**As my brother rightly said I DO NOT OWN THE MENTALIST! Also I don't get money from this, seriously though how would you get money from this? Its a _free_ site with _free_ content. **

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I felt guilty for not telling her as the class went on but I didn't have a choice, I couldn't tell her. Thinking of her reaction made me feel sick, she'd just hate me. She'd tell me I was pathetic, worthless, that it was all my fault.

The rational part of my mind told me she wouldn't think that, that was how I was feeling and she'd love me no matter what. I wasn't listening to the rational part of my mind now, in fact I wanted to grab the nearest blunt object and beat it to death.

Finally the last bell rang, I could finally go home! I thought with relief as we filed out of class and into the outside sunshine. I continued glancing around for signs of John, he was chatting to his friends and was heading in the opposite direction to me. Good.

"Patrick?" questioned Wayne waving his hand in front of my face as he joined us along with Kimball.

"What?"

"You were sort of spaced out there," explained Wayne, "so are we going to go eat or what?"

"Why is it always food with you?" complained Teresa.

"Didn't we just eat like a few hours ago?" Kimball questioned.

"Patrick didn't," moaned Wayne.

"I'm not hungry," I moaned, "I just wanna go home."

"Did Patrick Jane just say he wanted to go home?" said Wayne, "that's a first."

"I don't feel well, okay?" I retorted sharpishly, "see you tomorrow," I added turning onto a different road.

"See ya," called Kimball and Wayne.

"I'll walk you home," Teresa informed me jogging over to me, "I'll catch up with you guys later!"

"You don't need to walk me home," I pointed out.

"You usually walk me home, why not the other way around?" she responded and I shrugged mildly, "why won't you talk to me Patrick? I thought we told each other everything."

"We do," I protested even though I knew it was a lie.

"Then what's bothering you? It's like something's sucked the life out of you or something," she replied sounding concerned.

"I'm having an off day, sue me," I said more forcefully than I meant to.

"I'm worried about you," she whispered, "I've lost my Mom, my Dad, I hardly ever see my brothers... I don't want to lose you too."

"You're not going to."

"Just don't shut me out Patrick, I love you."

"I love you too Teresa, quit worrying. I am fine," I told her failing not to sound irritated, she fell silent and didn't look convinced.

We carried on walking. I wanted to apologize, she was just worried about me and I was acting like a jerk but I couldn't bring myself to. If I apologized I'd have to admit something was wrong and I couldn't tell her about the rape. The rational part of my mind was screaming at me to tell her but I couldn't. Even if she didn't hate me, I didn't want to talk about it.

I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen, I wanted it to not have happened at all. On the other hand she had a right to know, didn't she deserve to know how tainted I was? She had a right to know I was broken.

"We're here," she announced quietly as I noticed we were outside my house.

Dad's car was gone, he was out somewhere. Most likely he'd gone to con come people out of cash, normally I'd invite her inside but not now. I just wanted to be alone.

"Bye Teresa," I muttered approaching the door.

"Don't I at least get a goodbye kiss?" she pouted and I turned back to her.

I walked back over to her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, she smiled slightly and encircled her arms around me planting a kiss on my lips. I tried not to be reminded of John as I kissed her back before pulling away, she reached up a hand to caress my cheek just like John had.

I couldn't stop myself from flinching away from her hand as I fought back tears. She stepped back with a mixture of puzzlement and hurt, she didn't understand why I was acting like this. I couldn't either, yesterday I had loved spending time with her but now I couldn't stop myself recoiling as my mind flashed back to the rape.

"I'm sorry... m-my Dad... I don't want him to see... us... together," I babbled pathetically as an excuse.

"You're Dad's not here, his car is gone," she pointed out looking even more hurt that I'd lied to her, "he's seen us before and he doesn't mind."

"I... erm... he... err... he... he changed his mind. Last night," I improvised even though I knew she wasn't buying it, "I've gotta go," I concluded lamely before charging inside and shutting the door hurridly.

I went straight to the room as tears flowed from my eyes, I threw down my bag and sunk to the floor hugging my knees to my chest as I cried quietly. I cried and cried and cried for I don't know how long, I just couldn't seem to stop myself.

Eventually the crying spell seemed to pass. It made me feel worse, I was so pathetic. Would Wayne or Kimball spend hours crying? No. Would Wayne or Kimball let themselves be raped? No. Not even Teresa would do that! There was something wrong with me, there had to be. No one else was like this.

Stiffly I stood up and glanced out of the window, I was dissapointed Teresa wasn't there. She deserved an apology, even if I couldn't think of a good way to say sorry. I should tell her the truth, my mind offered. On the other hand my Dad was still out, if he'd caught me crying he'd just laugh at me.

I had another shower, even though it didn't make me feel any cleaner, before climbing back into bed and trying to get some sleep. I know I had a test to study for but I could not be bothered, I was just tired...

I woke hours drenched in a cold sweat that had my clothes hanging off my skin. Panicked I scanned the room in the dusk light to reassure myself John wasn't there. It was just a dream. Just a dream. I repeated trying to calm my frantic thumping heart.

I don't think I'd ever been more terrified in my life. I really was pathetic, I thought miserably as I heard my Dad's car pulling in to the driveway. I groaned and fell back down onto my bed. I didn't particulary want to lie there but I didn't particulary want to face my Dad either.

"PATRICK! Are you home?!" Dad yelled loudly.

"Yes!" I called back surpressing a sigh.

"Want some dinner?!"

"No thanks!" I shouted back, honestly I just felt queasy.

I lay there listening to the sounds of my Dad moving around downstairs, watching the shadows consuming the celing as the sun went down and the light faded away. It reminded me oddly of myself, I was the sun burning with life but now I was consumed by darkness. Except while I knew the sun would rise tomorrow, I wasn't so sure about me.

I found my mind wandering but sleep evaded me, I wasn't so sure I wanted to go asleep if I was going to have more nightmares, however I longed for a dreamless sleep.

Not having to think, about what I would say to Teresa, about what John had done to me... not having to feel this shame, this pain, this melancholy cloud surrounding me.

I just wanted to die.

I shoved that thought angrily aside, I couldn't kill myself! What a ludicrous idea. The thought still hovered on my pehiferal as I tried to think of happier times, with Teresa, my friends, my family.

It just made me feel worse. I missed that happy Patrick Jane, laughing, joking smiling... it was so bittersweet. I felt like I was watching someone else's memories, or a movie or something. Had I really been like that? It didn't matter, now, I was broken inside. John had broken me.

I hated him. I hated him so much. He had raped me and I hated him for it. I hated the pain he'd caused me, I hated him for destroying my life, I hated him for making me like this. I hated him so much. I just hated him for the shame he made me feel, I hated him for jeopardizing my relationship with Teresa, I hated him for making me worthless.

But I hated myself too. I had let him do this. I had let him touch me. It was my fault too. I'd known John was a psycho but I'd still mocked him. I deserved this. But I still hated it.

On that thought I found myself in a dream, in the dream I was falling. I couldn't stop myself from falling but I was too ashamed to call out for help. So I just kept on falling and falling and falling and falling...

"PATRICK! You are going to be late for school, wake the hell up!" Dad was yelling causing me to awaken.

"What?" I mumbled feeling disoriented as I noticed him glaring at me from the doorway.

"Get up and go to school," he snapped.

"I don't feel well," I told him, it wasn't a total lie.

"So? Move it!"

"Please Dad," I groaned not wanting to face another day.

"Patrick, if you don't go to school not only will I have social services hounding me but your Mom might quit sending us money," he explained pointedly, "now get!" he added slamming shut the door.

I was on autopilot as I got up, showered, dressed and left for school. Another bright, sunshiney day. Oh joy, I thought sarcastically as I trudged through the streets watching my feet walking across the ground. I heard a car but didn't think anything of it until I heard Teresa call my name.

I turned to see a dark sedan pulling up as she ran out of the car and over to where I stood looking baffled. She looked miserable and apprehensive, I felt worried. What was wrong?

"Patrick," she began looking sorrowful as she but her lip, "you know how I live with my foster Mom ever since Dad died? Well she had an accident, had a nasty fall down the stairs..."

"Is she okay?" I questioned worridly.

"She'd alive but hurt," Teresa answered as she looked at me tearfully, "until she gets better I have to go back to the home... but since that one's closed the nearest one is on the other side of town... I'm not allowed to go to this school," she explained mornfully as my heart sank even lower, "but its... only for a little while- oh Patrick I'm gonna miss you so much!" she cried throwing her arms around me.

"I know, I'm gonna miss you too," I whispered gently as I struggled to digest the news, "we can... we can still talk on the phone and there's emails..."

"It's not the same!" she wailed, "it's not fair..."

"Life's not fair," I muttered bitterly, "I can visit," I added trying to sound hopeful as she pulled away and wiped her eyes, "its only until she gets better."

"I know," she mumbled miserably.

"I love you," I told her with feeling, I did love her. I loved her so much, more than I'd ever loved anyone. Not even John could stop that.

"I love you too," she said with a slight smile as she kissed me gently, "I'll call you later tonight... okay?"

"Okay," I murmered as she gave me one last longing look before heading back to the sedan.

"And tell Kimball and Wayne bye for me," she added getting back into the car.

"I will," I agreed as she closed the door.

I waved her goodbye as the sedan drove her away, she waved back and I watched the car drive away with the love of my life. Angrily I kicked a nearby rock causing it to zoom off into the road as I fell to my knees.

Teresa was gone.

* * *

**A/N: **I know, cruel right? But that'd be far to easy if he just told her


	4. Chapter 4: Struggling

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE MENTALIST**

* * *

I picked myself up off the ground and continued my miserable journey to school, my spirits were so low I just wanted to drop dead or simply drop and lie and the ground for a while.

I reached the school, everyone else had already gone inside. I groaned now I was late, oh joy I thought sarcastically. My eyes drifted to the corner of the building where it had happened... this was like how it had happened, at the school alone except it had been dark.

My chest suddenly tightened and my breathing got faster. I was became aware of my accelerating heartbeat thundering in my chest, I was unsteady on my feet as I felt dizzy and lightheaded. I was feeling smothered standing there and nauseous, I was terrified. I had to go. I had to get away. I had to.

So I did, I bolted in the opposite direction as fast as my shaky legs could carry me. I ran and ran and ran through Sacramento only stopping once to vomit in an alley but then I carried on running. Until I couldn't run anymore, I came to a dead halt. Dark specs started to consume my vision...

I glanced at the soft blue sky and the cuddly looking cotton clouds. It could be, it occured to me I was lying on the ground, felt like grass. I didn't feel like getting up, exhaustion held my body even if my mind was still active. I watched the clouds for awhile as they rearranged themselves into different objects. I usually did this with Teresa.

"You okay there son?" questioned an elderly gentleman as I was prodded by a stick.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered batting away the walking cane.

"You're lying on the ground," he pointed out.

"I know."

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Okay, okay," I snapped getting up finally and trudging away to school.

I bit my lip nervously as I found my route back to the school, what if I had another... panic attack? Or whatever had happened to me. I was eternally grateful for the sounds of kids about, must be lunch. Wow, I really had been gone long.

I scanned everone carefully locating both John and my friends before I'd go over to my friends, I was surprised to see Grace talking to Wayne and Kimball. Had he actually asked her out? I tried to force my mind to care as I went over to them.

"Patrick there you are!" exclaimed Kimball instantly, "where the hell were you?"

"Lying on the grass."

"Why were you lying on the grass?" asked Wayne frowning, "where's Teresa?"

"She's gone," I informed them sadly and filled them in on what had happened to her this morning. Obviously I left out that I'd had some weird panic attack when I tried to go to school, I'd have to make sure I didn't come back when the place was deserted in case it happened again.

"That sucks," offered Kimball as blunt as ever.

"Was Teresa that girl you were all sitting with yesterday?" inquired the redhead politely and we nodded, "shame, she seemed nice."

"She was... why are you with us again?" I questioned curiously.

"Coach Van Pelt ordered me to look after her," Wayne informed me, "he thinks I'm good."

"At least your Dad doesn't stop you from doing baseball. Man I love baseball."

"My Dad's dead remember?"

"Oh how awful!" gasped Grace looking shocked, "I am so sorry to hear that."

"Err... yeah thanks," muttered Wayne in response, in truth he hadn't liked his Dad much. The guy was a biker and had often beat him when he bothered to appear, not that Wayne would admit that. Our conversation was cut short by the bell going.

"Good luck explaining to Ms Edwards why you were so late," Grace offered in her typical friendly tone.

"He doesn't need luck," explained Kimball.

"You're just gonna hypnotize the poor woman aren't you?" laughed Wayne, "didn't you do that with erm... what was his name?"

Grace looked dumbfounded as we entered the corridors and wondered to over to our lockers. Stupid thing was sticking again so I had to fiddle with it to get it open, when I closed it I realized John was beside me. I jumped backwards in shock as I looked around frantically to make sure there was other people in the corridor, there was. Not that it made my heart beat any slower, I noted as I reluctantly turned back to look at his grinning face.

"What do you want?" I croaked miserably, "haven't you taken enough from me?"

"I just came to tell you I have AIDS so you might want to get yourself checked," he told me cheerfully and my jaw literally dropped, he laughed suddenly, "just kidding. You actually believed me?" he laughed harder, "seriously I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine," I murmured quietly trying not to look as afraid as I felt.

"So am I," he replied clapping me on the shoulder, I immediately flinched and jolted away from his touch.

His smile widened but he said nothing as he walked away. I allowed myself a relieved breath even if my heart continued to thunder loudly in fear and hatred. I hated John so much, so very, very much. I felt another hand on my shoulder and reacted in the same way but it was only Kimball.

"Okay..." he muttered curiously not voicing his question but hoping I would answer, which I didn't, "is it your Dad?"

"What?" I responded not having a clue what he meant.

"Your acting weird, is it your Dad?" he explained before lowering his voice slightly, "did he beat you really badly or something?"

"Or something," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing, I'm fine okay?" I snapped rather sharply.

"Yeah I'm fine, but you're not," he replied quietly and I pretended not to hear as we filed into math.

"The amazing psychic child Patrick Jane appears!" exclaimed Ms Edwards sarcastically, "how nice of you to bless us with your esteemed presence. After class I expect to see you, understand?"

I nodded glumly as I took my place and tried to concentrate on my work. I failed miserably, I kept thinking about what John had said. I didn't think he really had AIDS but still... It was just like John to have some horrible disease that he would have passed onto me, it was well known around the school he slept around. He was popular and all that, he even had a girlfriend! So why the hell had he raped me?

I couldn't stop thinking about it. Some diseases like that you didn't even notice the symptoms... what if I had passed something onto Teresa when I'd kissed her? Damn it! I groaned and banged my head on the desk prompting Ms Edwards to demand the answer to some stupid equation... Did it really matter? I had bigger things to worry about. Finally the class ended and I had to talk to her.

"So Mr Jane, why did you decide to miss two thirds of school?" she began in her usual no nonsense way.

"I don't know."

"You don't know, is that the best you can come up with?" she demanded.

"I guess."

"You guess? Who are you and what have you done with Patrick Jane?"

"I don't know."

"What is up with you?"

"Nothing."

"Patrick, look at me," she prompted and I finally met her stern face yet she had concerned eyes, "you're a good kid, you try everyone's patience to no end but you're still smart. Since when did you fail to pay attention and to skip school? Not only that but to not even have some convincing lie."

"Teresa's gone," I offered hoping she'd buy it or at least leave me alone, "I miss her and I just..." I trailed off and shrugged, she looked at me curiously for a long while, "it won't happen again."

"It damn well better not happen again Mr Jane. If I give you a detention will you turn up?" she snapped to which I shrugged again, "fine but I'll tell your mother."

"Then tell her. Not alot she can do from Miami."

"Just go."

I obediently left and slipped away off to my last lesson. I failed to concentrate yet again and was overwhelmed with relief when the last bell rang. I shuffled outside with everybody else and made some excuse about helping my Dad before I left for home. I was still worrying about the panic attack, John having AIDS and of course Teresa being gone, how was it possible that your life could be completely destroyed in so little time? I pondered this as I clambered the stairs to my room and threw down my bag, I didn't feel like doing my homework so instead I showered then lay miserably on my bed but at least I didn't have another crying spell.

I drifted in and out of nightmares for the rest of the afternoon and night, I could not be bothered to do anything. The only time I moved was to answer the phone, the first time it was Teresa to say she was settling in but missed me like crazy. I succeeded at having a normal conversation with her but it still just made it even more obvious how far away she was. The second call was from my Mom.

"_Patrick Jane how dare you skip school_!" she screamed down the phone, "_just because I'm in a different state to you doesn't mean I'm not mad! What were you thinking_?"

"Calm down Mom," I said half heartedly.

"_Calm down? What part of `skipping school` don't you understand? You know what as punishment you cannot stay with me for spring break_!"

"Whatever."

_"Did you just say whatever?"_

"What do you want me to say? You never listen to me anyway," I pointed out.

"_Maybe because you're not worth listening to! You haven't even apologized!"_

"I'm sorry," I offered.

"_No you're not! Stop patronizing me! I will talk to your father about this... later but right now I have a meeting but still you are not staying with me and I am so mad at you. Goodbye."_

"Bye," I muttered but she'd already hung up, I simply sighed.

My Dad came home soon after that and asked if I wanted dinner, I refused I still felt ill and had no appetite whatsoever. I continued lying there miserably until morning, again I heard my Dad getting up but still lay immobile in bed.

"PATRICK! Get the hell up!" Dad roared angrily.

"I don't feel well," I told him again, again it wasn't a total lie.

"So? Move it!"

"Please Dad, for once can't you give me a break?"

"NO!" he snapped moving away.

I groaned as I forced myself out of bed and into the shower wondering why I bothered, I was still as filthy as ever. I continued getting ready before dragging my feet in the direction of the school. I spotted Kimball and Wayne as usual accompanied again by Grace, as well as spying John with his friends. I just reached my friends when the bell rang for the start of school, lessons sucked. I was yelled at for not doing my homework, yelled at for not paying attention... I couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, was that so hard? Then it was lunch and I sat with Kimball, Wayne and Grace again noticing again the absence of Teresa. I guess it had been possible for my life to get worse.

"You not having lunch again?" stated Kimball and I nodded vaguely my eyes finding John, it infuriated me how he could be laughing with his friends, laughing like a normal kid after what he had done to me. I thought again of the whole AIDS thing, I'd have to get myself checked.

"I love that movie!" Grace exclaimed loudly breaking into my thoughts and I realized I had entirely lost track of the conversation.

"We could go see it..." Wayne offered nervously, "this Sunday."

"I can't make Sunday Wayne sorry, my family goes to church you see," Grace explained apologetically, "you guys can come if you want and then we go to the cinema on Monday?"

"I can't sorry, my aunt's getting married on Sunday," Kimball apologized.

"Just you and me then," Wayne said smiling.

"Patrick can come if he wants."

"Patrick's an atheist," Wayne explained.

"Really?" gasped Grace looking horrified.

"Of course not, all that religious nonsense. Load of crap," I snapped more forcefully than I intended but her tone was just irksome.

"It is not a load of crap, the kingdom of god is a real place," Grace told me firmly.

"Is not and if you believe it you're a moron," I growled struggling to control my sudden temper, I just wanted to be left alone.

"Don't talk to her like that!" Wayne barked leaping to his feet.

"Don't let her talk to me like that!" I replied jumping up also.

"You're the one being horrible to her!"

"She started it! Not my fault the little bitch is stupid," I snipped glaring at them both.

"Why don't we calm down?" offered Kimball trying to stand between us as Wayne clenched his fists.

"How dare you call her a stupid bitch! Are you out of your mind?"

"Why are you defending her? We're supposed to be friends?"

"We are friends now lets all sit down," Kimball pleaded again.

"Friends? You're acting like a total jerk, Grace has done nothing! Apologize!"

"Never!"

"Come on let us all sit down and talk this over rationally," Kimball tried again but I just found myself even more livid.

"I'll sit but not at the same table as him!" yelled Wayne.

"No problem! How can I be friends with someone who won't even accept my atheism anyway?"

"Then go!"

"I am!"

"Oh come on, both of cool your damn tempers," Kimball interjected again, "Wayne stop trying to be macho, Patrick..."

"Yes?"

"Stop acting... weird."

"I always act weird."

"You're acting weirder than usually," he informed me.

"No I'm not. Wayne is," I told him sulkily glaring at my friends, "make them apologize!"

"No way!" yelled Wayne, "go to hell Patrick!"

"No such thing dumb ass!"

"Don't insult me you sonofabitch!"

"Both of you please calm down," Kimball practically begged, "just sit, everybody's staring at you."

"Go sit somewhere else Patrick, you're not welcome at my table," snarled Wayne.

"Your table," I scoffed before turning to Kimball, "who's side are you on?" I demanded angrily.

"What? I'm not on anyone's side."

"Yes you are, Kimball," I snapped, "you're either with me or with Wayne, which is it?"

Kimball blinked puzzled at the ultimatum, "that's not fair Patrick, you can't ask me to choose between my friends."

"Sometimes no decision is your decision," I told him darkly, "screw you both, who wants to be friends with a bunch of hoodlums anyway?"

"Who are you calling hoodlums?" repeated Wayne his eyes blazing with fresh anger, he hated when people assumed he was bad just because he was a biker's son.

"Yes you the son of a mega criminal biker, Daddy's little boy and of course Iceman here the gangbanger," I informed them coldly grabbing my bag and walking away, I threw it down beside a random table and slumped into the seat.

"I didn't... urm... this is like our table," said the boy with thick glasses opposite me, Len, I shot him a glare and he fell silent.

I scanned the room, people were resuming their normal activities even my friends Wayne still looked fuming with rage as he scoffed down his meal, Grace looked anxious as she munched her food while poor Kimball looked utterly bewildered as he nibbled his fries. I turned away and found John's table, still well away from mine, he caught my eye and grinned I hurriedly looked away shivered.

"Why are you shivering?" asked the timid boy beside me, Freddie.

"Just leave me alone."

"I don't see why your upset, you're funny, smart, psychic and girls think you're hot," Glen informed me, "must be great to be you."

"Only if you're insane," I muttered under my breath.

Lunch finished and I carried on with the day feeling guiltier about how I'd treated my friends, I had completely overreacted over nothing and yet while I wanted to apologize it was better if I was alone. Maybe losing my girlfriend, my friends and my Mom hating me was better in the long run, they couldn't suspect anything was wrong, they couldn't know, already Teresa and Kimball were noticing my behaviour and what if I had another panic attack and crying and then if John did have AIDS... They couldn't find out what I had let John do to me and the more alone I was the less likely it was they would know, I was ashamed enough already without the people I cared about knowing. They couldn't know, no one could.


End file.
